The twinification of Harry Potter
by the wind in my sleeves
Summary: The twins look at Harry Potter and like what they see. Fifth Year. AU. My attempt at humour.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Never did, never will. Wish I did, though.

**The Twinification of Harry Potter**

It all started innocently one night in Gryffindor Tower. The twins were, of course, loud and generally raising a ruckus, but hardly anyone ever noticed it anymore. Ron and Ginny, who were sitting in the corner of the common room with Hermione, not really paying attention, so it was probably understandable that they didn't notice what was going on until it was already half-over, but when they did, they immediately stiffened at what was going on.

When they were children, the twins asking that particular question never heralded anything good. Especially as no one ever seemed to get the right answer, and the twins took it…personally. Hermione would later be left wondering at what had left her two friends so anxious, but when Harry looked up from his book and gave what had to be the fabled right answer, as he wasn't pranked for it the next day, the Weasley's shivering stopped and she let it go.

All three, who were fighting with Harry at the time, would later be forgiven for not noticing the contemplative looks that the twins were giving him, and for not realizing what they meant.

Ironically enough, it was Severus Snape who figured out what was going on, and even he might not have, had Harry's Potions homework not drastically improved right around that time. Otherwise, he would have taken the odd happenings around the school (and the sudden unwillingness of his snakes to be so much as impolite to the boy) as completely unrelated, and dealt with them accordingly. Unfortunately, though, Potter's Potions homework had drastically improved, and it was as he was reading a perfectly well-written essay on the color-changing potion that Severus had a sudden insight into an incident from earlier that day involving Draco Malfoy's hair and Gregory Goyles…uniform.

The connections immediately became obvious, including the way that the Weasley twins had been assiduously ignoring Potter for weeks, and, under the guise of giving them all detention, he arranged a parley. A parley, where, in exchange for clemency, offered them the failsafe password to not only the Headmaster's office, but his personal quarters as well. Only he could have known, and for that night, he conveniently chose to forget, was that Albus kept a current list of the passwords to all the staff's rooms on his dresser top. What even _he_ didn't know was that the Headmaster also kept a copy of his journal in his sock drawer. Then, mischief accomplished and safety assured, Severus sat back to watch the chaos unfold. That was the end of September.

In November, a couple of things worthy of note happened. Even Severus didn't know all the details, but it seemed that the Weasley twins had taken Potter on a whirlwind tour of Umbridges rooms while she was busy (with filch or with her Inquisitorial Squad, he didnt know, but either way, Severus had to smirk), and while looking for mischief, had found a rather prized possession of the woman's. Nobody was entirely sure what had happened to it, but when she returned to her rooms, it had been irreparably destroyed.

Filch confirmed this, which, combined with the leather corset that he claimed had been a malicious prank, conspired to get him fired. Umbridge had only just managed to save herself by claiming that Filch was a dirty, no-good squib who couldn't take no for an answer. Ironically enough, the entire episode seemed to have dramatically improved her entire persona to the point that, if he chose to listen hard enough, Severus was certain that he could hear the students singing Ding Dong the Witch is Dead all the way in the dungeons. Severus' own euphoria lasted until his best potions student knocked on his door one night, looking for advice.

Evidently, Blaise had been approached, though by whom he wouldn't say, and had been severely threatened, though with what, he _couldn't_ say. Severus, ostensibly worried about giving bad advice, had held out for more information.

But sir! They're holding Malfoy's hair hostage!

And at this, Severus gained a very clear picture of what had happened, and had counselled the only really viable strategy for survival; total surrender. Blaise left, looking like a man about to be hanged, and Severus learned the next morning what the terms of surrender had been when Ronald Weasley entered the Great Hall for breakfast, wearing nothing but a towel and performing a very risqué form of what Severus assumed to be the Macarena.

And through it all, Harry Potter walked like an angel of mercy and light.

Surprisingly enough, the next person to piece together the fact that something was going on was Minerva, and even she might not have, had her classroom not been used for some obscure ritual that included chicken blood, the chicken that had given the blood and something called a "horcrux". Severus had been rather surprised, needless to say, when she stormed into his class the next day while he was trying to instil the fear of all things trouble-making into a new batch of first years, demanding an explanation.

He had tried to plead innocence, but it hadn't worked, especially when she started brandishing the vial of unicorn blood, willingly given, that had been bribed out of him days earlier. In the face of incriminating evidence, he had plead not guilty by reason of fear for his life, and Minerva, who was, despite all else, the Gryffindor Head of House, and therefore the main disciplinarian of the Weasley twins, wasn't long in putting the rest of it together.

And even she couldn't figure out what they needed from Blaise Zabini.

Actually, in the end, it didn't matter very much, since they received the last pieces to the puzzle on Halloween, when Blaise Zabini had come to the feast claiming that he was Harry Potter after a horrible ritual gone wrong. Ironically enough, when confronted, the Weasley twins claimed total innocence, even in face of a Howler from their (much-feared) mother. The next morning, when Blaise Zabini sat next to Potter in class, and was observed finishing at least one of the other's sentences, both Minerva and Severus had both handed in their resignations for the next year, and run to the common room for a stiff shot of whisky, where they were found later in the day, roaring drunk, by Hagrid.

Hagrid, for his part, couldn't explain why an innocent comment from Pomona at the staff meeting that night had the two pulling out another bottle while looking unnaturally pale. After all, the Weasley twins were good students. Another set of twins couldn't possibly be a bad thing.

Could it?

When he walked in on the chaos in the Great Hall the next morning, he had his answer.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Still don't own Harry Potter, although the way this story is going, I'll probably end up owning my very own alternate universe, because nothing will be recognizable from the original. (Do you think that the lawyers would go for that?)

**Chapter 2**

Ronald Weasley, for his part wasn't enjoying things very much at all. It was half-way into November, and he _still_ had no idea what was wrong with his best friend. Ever since the beginning of the year, and that stupid argument over whether or not Harry should really be speaking to snakes in front of the entire school, neither he nor Hermione had been able to even so much as talk to him, and even so, it was obvious that something was terribly off. And it was their duty as his friends to fix it.

In the attempt to figure out what the hell was going on, even Ginny had been recruited, although Hermione refused to tell him why his little sister was so important to the success of their mission. After all, it wasn't as if she would be much help if it turned out that Harry really was having problems with Voldemort. That being said, she _had_ turned out to be a magnificent in the clean-up of the infamous Macarena incident.

It was a good thing that he hadn't been able to find out who had been responsible for that, he had decided once he had calmed down a bit. He didn't want to be expelled. That being said, the curses that he had been learning ever since made wonderful material for the defence association that Hermione had thought to start.

Actually, the Defence Association was the one thing that going right in his life. Even though he would rather die than admit it to her, it had been a brilliant idea. After all, it hadn't been as if they were learning anything in DADA, with that Umbridge cow, and it could help them to prepare for the fight against Voldemort. Of course, it had started off small, with only a few students from the younger Gryffindor years, and a couple of Ravenclaws. It had grown since, though, to the point where they had even considered making an official sort of club, but…

They had even gotten around the strange barrier of silence that seemed to exist between them and Harry these days to tell him about it, but he had just stared at them, which had made Hermione want to cry and made him demand if Harry even cared that Voldemort was out and still killing. It had probably been a stupid thing to say, but he had just wanted his best mate to _look_ at him, instead of the stupid blank silence that had been hanging between them lately. Harry, though, had just smiled, and told him to invite the twins.

It had been at that point that Ron _knew_, without a shadow of a doubt, that Harry was being possessed by Voldemort. Or something. Because there was no way that the Harry that he knew would ever say anything like that. Ever.

And that was the start of their attempt to get Harry back. He and Hermione had conscripted everyone that they could in preparation, but even Ron, who admitted strait up front that he was sometimes a bit naïve, knew that not many would. After all, Harry was who he was, and that came with its own share of problems. He had thought that they could at least count on the people who knew him to do something, though. He was their _friend_.

Then, when the subject had been broached, Dean had looked at him like he was nuts, Seamus had declined on grounds that a Harry who wasn't having mood-swings was fine with him, and Neville had just shuddered. Everyone else's reactions hadn't been much better. Even the _twins_ seemed to be besotted with the thing masquerading as Harry, looking at him like he was some sort of experiment that was working amazingly well. When they weren't looking at him like they wanted to eat him. Didn't they have _girlfriends_???

It had been worrisome, as Hermione put it, but it had gotten much, much worse when Zabini entered the picture. Halloween night had been a nightmare, and it had proved to Ron just how bad of a friend he had truly been. First, he had let his best mate deal with a dark lord all alone, and to top it all off, he couldn't even tell when a wanna-be Death Eater was having him on. Ever since, it had been as if Zabini had been hanging around, just out of sight, like a cat watching a mouse-hole. There was something going on there, too, that he just couldn't figure out. And Ron didn't like it. That was why, at two in the morning, he was in the library, looking for information on a detection spell, trying to figure out just what the hell was going on. He was so engrossed in his search that he didn't even notice when someone snuck up behind him, the (heavy) tome that he was still looking for in hand.

Later that day, Seamus would state in his defence that Ron had asked for it. It probably didn't excuse anything, but when Hermione whirled on him, he had to say _something_. After all, if he was going to have the gall to be the first to laugh at the picture that his roommate made, glued up to the wall of the dungeons with an indecent proposal to Snape written on his chest in lipstick, he had to be completely prepared to deal with the consequences. Namely, Ron's girlfriend, who didn't find her boyfriend's predicament (or his lack of uniform) amusing in the slightest.

Still, it was pretty funny. Hilarious, in fact; even Harry looked like he was smothering a laugh behind his hand. Then again, Harry had been pretty cool lately. If Seamus hadn't known any better, he might even have accused Harry of the prank, but Harry had been in the dorm all night, as they could all attest to, having been woken in the middle of the night by Ron's attempt at sneaking. Of course, none of those left in the room would be mentioning the game of poker that followed when none of them, especially Harry, could fall beck asleep.

Seamus still didn't know what had happened to Potter, but he had to say that he definitely preferred this version, even after the whole Halloween fiasco. Actually, after that whole prank, Seamus was seriously considering his previous opinion of all things and people Slytherin, because anyone who could get Weasley to turn that particular color couldn't be all bad.

So yes, you could probably say that Seamus was frustrated with Ron and Hermione, but it really wasn't personal. He had just been asked one too many times to join that moronic little cult that they had started among the younger years. And, for the record, he wasn't going to do anything to ruin Harry's new-found sense of humour, no matter if it _was_ caused by Voldemort.

"Exactly _what_ is going on here?" Somehow, the dark, silky voice wasn't nearly as intimidating while one was looking at Ron Weasley in his boxers, and so it was that Seamus volunteered himself to actually speak up.

"Ron snuck out last night, and now he's glued to the wall, wearing nothing but his shorts and I think he wants you. Badly."

And it just made it better that Hermione couldn't say anything about _that_. Well, truth be told, neither could Ron, but Seamus didn't even want think about that, because that would lead to thinking about what kept Ron from speaking, and that was just…wrong.

It was kind of amusing how the crowd of students parted for Snape like the Red Sea before Moses, though.

"And how do you know that he was sneaking out?"

Okay, a potentially disastrous question, but one easily dealt with if one wasn't worried about protecting the dignity of the suspect involved. Which Seamus wasn't, ironically enough, and so he shrugged.

"Ron couldn't sneak to save his life. We couldn't fall asleep afterwards."

It was rewarding to be able to look at Snape and not feel like he had done anything wrong, but the euphoria didn't stop him from seeing the look that the Professor gave Harry and interpreting it correctly.

"Harry was in the room all night, Professor," he said quickly, wanting to head _that_ off right away.

"And you can prove that?"

It probably didn't help that Dean chose that moment to burst into hysterical laughter, or that once his best friend started, Seamus had to snicker too. Which quickly led to him laughing his ass off on the floor. Eventually, Neville had to answer for them, because neither Seamus nor Dean was up to it, and Harry was looking obstinately at the floor.

"We can prove it sir," Neville said, for once without stuttering. If he hadn't been so busy rolling on the floor, Seamus would have been proud. "He won five galleons, three sickles, four kittens, and the rights to Ron and Hermione's first-born son, should they ever get their heads out of their…behinds. And we have a treaty signed in blood that states that all of us were there for the poker game at that time, just in case one of us wanted to duck out."

Everyone stared at them in shock, until Hermione finally managed to close her mouth.

"What?" she gasped.

For once, Neville just sighed in what looked like exasperation. "Don't look at me like that," he said. "Dean didn't have any more kittens, and Harry was playing a mean hand."

And as they all trailed into the classroom, Seamus was almost certain that he saw the corners of Snape's mouth curled up, as if he was trying not to laugh. In a moment though, he had convinced himself that it couldn't be possible. Things may have been changing drastically lately, but that was just too out of this world for words.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Same as last time

Disclaimer: Same as last time. I don't own anything.

**Chapter 3**

The problem with some days, Albus had discovered, was that they just didn't end. And after the day he had just had, he should know.

The problem was, in retrospect, that it had been preceded by two months of quiet, and that had lulled him into a false sense of security. Everything had been going smoothly. The staff had been left alone, there had been no more odd incidents involving odd rituals, Ronald Weasley and muggle sex toys, and even Severus and Minerva had seemed to get back to normal, to the point where he was even certain that he would be able to convince them to come back next year. It had been marvellous.

He should have known not to get used to it.

And he _should_ have known that it was going to be a bad day the moment that he woke up to find a chicken staring him in the eye. He should have, but it was Hogwarts, and strange things happened every day; he _still_ remembered the day that one fifth year student had made a mistake in potions, and had ended up cursing everybody in the school with…Well, it was best not to go there, but the point still remained. It was February. Maybe the chicken had just wanted to stay warm.

In retrospect, he realized that that hadn't been it, but then, hindsight was perfect, and at his age, that was probably all that he could ask for, since sitting up to find himself ankle-deep in orange juice hadn't been enough to clue him in either, and by the time that he had finished getting the juice out of his room, it had already started.

And it was a sad day that Pomona had to fire-call him because Severus and Minerva were to busy to notice anything. She hadn't even found out about the exorcism ritual until she had asked all her fifth years why they were entering into her classes laughing so hard they could barely breathe. Evidently, no one had been called because it was only the Weasley twins and Potter, voodoo wasn't really magic anyways, and besides, it wasn't as if Potter _actually_ had a link to Voldemort that could be exorcised. Although, no one wanted to know what would happen when McGonagall and Snape found them skipping class to put on a show in the Great Hall.

Thus it was that Albus found himself distinctly regretting his decision to avoid the boy, and rushing down the halls to avert tragedy. He may have…admired the twins resourcefulness, but sometimes, they didn't do nearly enough research, and if they weren't duly prepared, this could lead to terrible things. After all, voodoo had been outlawed for the very reason of its unpredictable nature. Poor Harry had enough on his plate without any accidental further opening of his link to Voldemort, which could very well be the result if of this foolishness.

Unfortunately, by the time that he got around the swamp, the fireworks that never ended, a flock of owls (evidently bearing letters from admirers), and several students seemingly too ill to get to the hospital wing on their own, it was too late. The Great Hall was empty, and the only signs that remained that something terrible might have happened were the chickens lying petrified on the ground.

It occurred to him, somewhat belatedly, that frozen chickens were becoming something of theme, lately. Then, a second later, that at least it wasn't as bad as the year that a young Tom Riddle had decided to do…terrible things with a flock of doxies and three somewhat frightening creatures called _chipmunks_. Not that Albus was stupid enough to believe that such a thing truly existed. Especially not one named Alvin. After all, if such a creature truly had a voice capable of transmitting that much dark power, surely it would have been documented somewhere.

As it was, this was bad enough, and the house elves were almost hysterical as they discovered the fate of what had evidently been dinner. Between the mess and the complaints, the only time that he had to check on the boys was at dinner, where he observed the three, along with Blaise Zabini (and wasn't _that_ a worrying thought-one could only hope that _they_ were influencing _him_ and not the other way around), happily chatting about something that left the students around them cringing in what looked like fear.

It was then that Severus and Minerva chose to inform him that he couldn't very well punish students for something that no one had actually caught them doing (in spite of ample witnesses, who had all of a sudden refused to say anything on the subject), and that to do so could very well give Lucius Malfoy the excuse that he needed to have Albus removed at last. It wasn't a particularly reassuring thought, and so Albus was left to comfort himself with the thought that at least _this_ time, Mister Weasley wasn't involved, in any way shape or form.

Little did he know that that thought would come back to haunt him the next morning at dawn when he was fire-called down to the Great Hall to watch, along with the rest of the faculty and students, what looked to be some elaborate wedding involving Harry Potter and Blaise Zabini, and the Weasley Twins as the officiators. It didn't take Albus very long to determine that the quartet was surrounded by an extremely advanced form of the shield spell that allowed only certain authorized personnel to pass. Evidently, he wasn't authorized. He had only been there for five minutes when Fred, or possibly George, stood up to address the assembled crowd, many of whom could be seen dabbing at their eyes with tissues, trying not to cry. Draco Malfoy himself looked to be especially teary-eyed, although that may have had something to do with the head-lock being administered by Mister… Longbottom?

"Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the twinification of Harry Potter and Blaise Zabini. If there is any reason why these two should jot be joined in the bonds of holy brotherhood, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

Nobody spoke, and somewhere to his left, Minerva blew her nose while Severus gently patted her shoulder.

Somehow, Albus was left with a bad feeling about all of this, which only intensified when he saw how Mister Weasley, the younger one, had been silenced.


End file.
